Christmas...

I hate these Pagan holidays! It's not such a big deal this year anyways, my son doesn't
believe in Santa anymore, he's giving up believing in Jesus next year he tells me. Still gotta buy him loads of presents though. He used to ask how come a rich kid like him got so many presents and Santa gave so much less to others, at least he knows now. Surely it must be the most un-christian of holidays. Every Christmas eve I can remember, i get home after town closes, struggling with money & last minute gifts, sit on the couch & cry my eyes out. Relief or guilt, I'm not sure. Every parent that can't afford to get nice things for thier kids must fucking dread this fucking stupid holiday. We're taking it easy this year while we can, no Santa until our new baby arrives, I guess I'd be sad that that whole 'Santa' thing was over, but it's nice to have a break.

New Car...

Fuck it!!..I had to buy a new car the other day. I detest driving, so for me it was like buying very expensive condoms (I really hate them too). The timing belt broke in my other car, which wrecked the engine, which apparently is quite important for making the car go. It's a mystery to me that a broken belt can turn even a new car into a big useless piece of garden furniture. It's like breaking a finger nail & you die!!

Cosmo Sex Tips!!!

I have a lot of problems with magazines like Cosmopolitian, here's a fine example. It's full of impracticle sex tips, 'Wear a wet t-shirt to bed'...Huh??...But here are some far more horrifying ones:


#1..Bite the family jewels: Softly bite the skin of his scrotum.
When dealing with teeth & that part of the body, using the modifier 'Softly' doesn't do anything to make it better, it's like saying 'Softly jam a lighting cigarette into his eye'

#2..A little known erogenous zone: the area between a guys navel & his penis. Lick it, tickle it or tug on the hairs there.
That hair qualifies as pubes, so technically the tip is 'Yank on his pubes'


#3..It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive. We really need you to get rough with them, squeeze hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I gurantee if you asked him, he'd request more, more' -Steven, 23.

a).."It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care."

No, it doesn't. There is no part of our body we want you to be intentionally negligent with. Even if it's our shins we're talking about here, handle them with care. And when it comes to our genitals, multiply that by one thousand.

b)"Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive."

Ladies, go watch an old episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. See how the guy doubles over and nearly vomits when hit with a light, plastic football? Yes, our units are fucking that sensitive.

c)"We need you to get a little rough with them--squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he'd request more, more."

That last bit is your best clue. "I guarantee if you asked..." No need to ask before you abuse his junk, ladies! Just assume he'll answer in the affirmative. His screaming means it's working!

Gotta worry about what 'Steven' does to women!!

#4..'Make two fists around my shaft & twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can'-Jamie, 30.
Jesus save us!! Isn't that a chinese burn?..It's hurts a hella of a lot on my arm, so it's bound to feel great on my cock, right?? Jamie, i swear if my girlfriend ever does that to me i'll come & find you!!

Lisbon....

Hardcore advertising this time, dead babies, nude people, minimum wage at €1:84 etc.. and the government telling us 'No' means 'Yes', don't try that with women fellas!!. I reckon if it was a 'No' vote this time, they'd be breaking out the Rohypnol. I have loads of opinions on this treaty that I now have no right to voice because I've forgotten to vote. What with work, getting my car fixed, going to an interview, shopping etc..it slipped my mind. I woulda voted 'Yes', for no other reason then I didn't get time to finish reading the 147 page treaty and thus asked my son to choose, which he based on the fact that 'Rock' beats 'Scissors'....and anyway where the hell did they get a picture of a man that looked like this in Ireland??

''And if a Double Decker Bus......

..crashes into us, to die by your side, what a heavenly way to die''..Surely the most romantic song ever written.

Facebook.....

A lot of these social networking sites are lost on me, but a lot of my friends use 'Facebook' so not wanting to be left out I use it too. The thing is it seems to be all about making you feel good about yourself. Every quiz gives you an answer you want, for example, my celebrity girlfriend is Megan Fox, I bet Jade Goody, or that fat one with the coke habit weren't in there. Everyday my horoscope tells me my luck is gonna change & I'm gonna find love (Oh God, please no!!). Just took the 'How will you be remembered' quiz....'People will remember you as a funny, happy go laucky type of person'..Not a typo, it actually said 'Laucky' (Facebook, making you feel good about your poor spelling since 2008).....and I'm a miserable bastard,..and I gave the worst answers possible.
Another thing, it's makes you so nosey, I have zero interest in people but find myself snooping peoples pages for hours, tyring to find out something scandalous, no luck so far, I know some fairly boring people. Just did another quiz, 'What does your name mean?'..and this is verbatim..'
''That's what i call a sexy name..When ppl hear ya name they get incredibly attracted by ya!you hat babe!!''...Who makes up this shit, if you can't spell then you aren't qualified to analyze people's personalities..and my name is 'Owen'....pretty sure there's nothing sexy about that.
..It's light-hearted stuff and I know I'm taking this way too seriously....but my point is that some people take this stuff to heart, if you want to know who you really are, don't listen to Facebook telling you that you're awesome, take a good look at yourself!!!

The Downside of Monogamy...

It's great to be in a relationship, I'd love to be on my own though. However there are many downsides apart from the obvious ones of hearing your friend's stories of amazing casual sex. For every romantic walk on the beach there's a hundred times you stand outside a woman's clothing shop changing room holding a handbag, hoping there's a Sunglasses stand to pretend you're looking at, and trying not to look like you're looking at women changing, underwear section, teenage girls etc..For every candlelit dinner you have there's all those times you have to buy Tampons for her, (knowing as you do there is also a very horrible reason for men to buy them, while hoping that the shop assistant doesn't, and instead thinks you're one of those progressive boyfriends). And for every amazing fuck you have, you'll have plenty of wanks rather than ask for it in fear of being turned down. For every time you see her in that little black dress, long beautiful legs beneath, breasts almost pressing out through it, there'll be far more times she's shuffling around the house in children's PJ's, your slippers, hair like that guy with the scissor hands, tissue in hand and snot running down her face.

Ok, that was solely from a man's point of view, so before my girlfriend reads this, here's my take from a woman's point of view:

For everytime she says you smell nice, far more often you smell like a dead animal wrapped in garlic
For every time you take her to sexual heaven, many more times you just wanna 'finish' on her tits in 3 minutes.
For every passionate kiss you give her, most times your beard tears the face off her.
For every romantic candlelit bath you have together, you end up 'highlighting' her hair 20 minutes after she's washed it.
For every time.....
Ok, I can't go on like this listing how horrible it is to be with me!!
..and sometimes I don't take my socks off during sex!!??....What's wrong with that? It's not like I asked her to bring one of her hot-ass friend along for a threesome, or I don't love her, maybe I want her so badly I couldn't be bothered to take them off, or maybe my feet are fucking freezing!!

Breaking up with friends.....

Breaking up with the person you're dating/screwing is pretty easy, you either just stop calling them, tell them it's over and barring some psycho, they'll take the hint. Friends however are different. Sometimes you just outgrow your friends, and forget why you ever befriended them in the first place and without sex to fill in the empty spaces, it effectivley over. But you see them anyway, you'd never (certainly shouldn't) do this with an Ex. You stop calling them, stop replying to E-mails, answering thier calls and now you're a shitty friend. You can't say 'I don't think we should see each other anymore' because you can't follow it up with 'I think we should just be friends'??!!??......So my advice is to bite the bullet and sleep with them. Then they are grouped into a different category and it's easier to say' We made a terrible mistake..SeeYa!!' If you're both of the same sex, then 'Trying it on' with them is probably just as effective.

All Good Things......

Would you start a loving relationship with someone if you knew it would end? I bet we all think that someday our stale relationship will get better, there's no rush, we have all our lives together, right? But if you absolutly knew it would end, then you'd make it good right now and make the most of every day you have left together. No more waiting to live your lives together, adore each other now while you still can. I think that's a good approach, we all think when we're in love it should last forever, doesn't always work out like that though, so why not embrace the fact that it'll be over some day.

Welcome to the world...Dweezil??!!??

Even though I have no plans to name our baby until I see it, people keep asking me and my girlfriend like to talk 'names' a lot. I think the honourable thing to do is to name a baby after someone, a loved family member, historical figure etc. So my son now wants to name him/her 'Hitler'....Nice!! It'd be nice if you could put off naming a baby for a few years, if they were very bright you could then safely name them 'Einstein', or a Lesbian..'Butch'. You take a chance giving your child a descriptive name in case it turns out to be ironic, 'Einstein' just wouldn't suit a grown up skinhead boxer. So, for the time being I'm going with:
'Hank Einstein Sean Mozart Scanlan' for a boy.
'Maria Calais Emily Megan Fox Scanlan' for a girl.

All bases covered there I think!

EDIT..We ended up calling  my daughter Grace, she was born too early and after a few days, being told her life might end we quickly picked a name (after a cheap women's face cream I saw in the bathroom, that morning)..Sorry Gracie, I wish I had better story about that...I love you!

My Cock Works!!!

We're having a baby!!.. We're having a lot of fun with it already, i keep shouting 'Why can't you be more like your big brother' at Shar's belly and she says stuff like 'The baby wants ice cream from that shop 2 miles away' in order to get me to do stuff I wouldn't do for her. When people ask if you want a boy or girl, people are inclined to say that they don't mind, I would prefer a girl, but I have a boy and i feel i've done a good job so far with him, so if we had a boy i'd know what i was doing. Everyone's very excited for us, it's been a long time coming. I'm a little worried, and here's why...Shar kept a diary of when we did it in order to predict when we concieved, and it looks like it was that time we had the most boring shag in the history of sex, and I'm convinced that because of that we'll have a boring, geek child. I can see myself coming home from work someday & Cecil standing there 'Hiiiiiii Daaaad', and I'll be like 'Fuck off child, where's James?'
Not really gonna name our child 'Cecil', gonna think long & hard before I inflict a name on my child!!

Women do it too......

Maybe i'm a little naive, but i didn't think so. I'm sure that they don't wank as often as men do. In order to show my girlfriend what a progressive boyfriend I am, I have in the past bought her sex-toys, foolishly thinking that she doesn't really need them (How great do I think I am?). We were rearranging our bedroom last year when it fell outta a drawer or something and i was gutted to see how battered it looked, it obviously hadn't been left in it's box (least not that one). She said she only used it when she couldn't wait for me to get home or I wouldn't put out, I must've been away a lot & not putting out nearly enough. Should've bought her that smaller one i was looking at, i'd be less jealous of it then that giant red thing!!

Wanker!!

Masturbation is the most widely used cure for boredom amoung males. For every woman masturbating right now there are 20 guys masturbating while thinking about that woman masturbate. I'd love to say i don't do it much, but i probably do. And it's mostly outta boredom, I'm alone in the house, nothing on TV, there's no better way to pass 5 minutes. No matter how great a guy's sex life is it's never gonna stop him from craking one out alone. My train of thought while wanking is very different then when I'm fucking my girlfriend, just wouldn't be polite to be thinking about those kinda things when my girlfriend's around. It's not just always boredom, sometimes i'm so horny i just can't wait until my girlfriend get's home, other times I just can't wake her up.

The Idea of You....

You know when you have that serious crush, and it all seems so fantastic in your head? It rarely works out that way, I'd like to think I'm able to look past that at this stage, and see in some sense what it would really be like to be with that person, and funnily enough it still seems fantastic in my head. You know like watching the stars would never get boring with her, you could take up knitting together and it would be fun, walks in the park are better than heroin & out in the park with the walking dogs. It never worked out like that though, I thought that maybe we'd have a long story to tell people as to how we got to be such a happy couple. But I usually run away from feeling like this and i have no idea why, maybe I'm afraid to love people that are capable of hurting me. Oh Well, maybe in the next life!!

No one thinks you're hotter...

..than your stalker. You know when you don't want your guy to see you without make-up or you're worried if you're getting fat and he won't find you as attractive. You get up before him to make yourself pretty, so he won't see what you look like in the morning. Must be a pain right? Then you need a stalker!!..He won't care that your hair is stuck to your face, or that your roots are a different colour, or that haven't brushed your teeth or anything like that, he just wants to murder you in some sexual fashion, win-win right!!?? If i had a stalker i'd think 'Wow, here's a situation I could take advantage of'.
I realise that picture is of that hot actor, Mark Something, and most people women would live with that, it's just that there's a video game called Stalker and this seems to be the dominant Google image search. (Awesome game too)

Say Cheese!!

I was forced to get my picture taken at a work thing last night. That's gotta be the first time since i was a child that i've had my picture taken. I fucking hate getting photographed. The obvious conclusion is that I hate the way I look, and it's really as simple as that. I don't look in mirrors either, which why you will sometimes see me with toothpaste on my face or price tags on my clothes (€5 shirt from Dunnes Stores yesterday). I don't know why I'm so insecure about the way i look,(probably because i'm so ugly). I don't think I was bullied by beautiful people when i was young or anything, although I do get bullied by a beautiful person now (you know who you are!!). Apart from being aesthetically challenged, i hate vanity, so maybe it's that...That's not me in the picture, although my guilt problem will make me lose sleep for a week for using a picture of this poor kid to make myself feel better about myself ( Oh Man, I'm fucked up)

I just realised that i use a lot of lower case 'i' , so maybe my insecurity problem is more deep rooted than I thought.
I've just realised he's wearing that T-shirt, which is in no way a reflection on me, I would never do that, have a date!!

Back to School...

My son went back to school this morning, he doesn't mind at all but I'm devastated for him. Although I sometimes think that work sucks, it's fucking way better than school. I used to hate school, I was (and still am) way too restless to be sit still for six hours a day (i can manage it at work sometimes though). Everything I can't do, be still, be quiet, write, learn etc. are associated with school .I'd love to go back for a day though, 5th class maths would be a cinch and some of those teachers are hot.

What if....

..you knew for certain that you would never have sex with anyone other than your partner? Never have that taste of somebody new, never have that anticipation, that nervous teenager feeling that you know you'll never experience with a long term partner.....
Would that bother you?, I've been asking people this for the past few days, and of maybe 30 people I've asked, only 4 have said that it wouldn't bother them (one of these people was my girlfriend, she's such a fucking liar!! and the other 3 were married). It isn't any indication of the state of your relationship, or how good or bad your sex life is, it's just some irrational fear I guess. I'm pretty fond of my girlfriend, nothing wrong with our sex life either, but if I thought that I'd never have sex with anyone but her before I die, I'd be really, really upset. Doesn't mean I want to cheat on her or am ever going to, It's just the thought of it is all!!

Porn

I don't really agree with pornography. I'm not a prude or anything, I just think that it desensitizes us to the true wonder of a naked body, and gives people unrealistic expectations (not me though, my girlfriend's fucking perfect). I'm not saying I've never looked at porn, I certainly have, I just think that when you see a naked woman for the first time it shouldn't be in a magazine or on a computer screen. I'm fairly oblivious to the 'demeaning of women' arguement to be honest, but I think it goes a long way to making feel men insecure about the size of their penis, as male porn stars are so well endowed, (camera adds two inches, I tell myself). Again not a prude!!....I had a lot of fun looking for a picture for this post.

I'm not saying looking at porn is wrong or anything, it's just my feelings on the subject. My son just turned eleven, so I bought him a 'card swipe alarm thing' lock for his bedroom door,...'What's that for Dad?..'You'll thank me some day Son!!

When routine bites hard....

I've always been promoting the idea that if you want a happy relationship you're better off with someone you like 'just fine' as opposed to someone you're madly in love with. All those small things that hurt so much when you're in love, those misinterpreted feelings, that jealousy, that insecurity, all out weigh that warm tingly feeling you get. I feel that a great relationship takes hard work, just as any endeavor does, the more you put into it the more you get out of it. You may think that I'm saying this 'cos I've never been in love, but no, I'd fall for the kitchen table if it said something nice about me. I'm saying 'cos I've been in love too many times. However up until recently I would have questioned that belief, but I proved myself right in spectacular fashion last year!!!..Poor Ian Curtis!

Making new Friends...

There's a fly around my living room all morning, and he's driving me mad! I haven't the heart to kill him so I've been trying to reason with him, telling him how life would be much better for him outdoors, and earlier his friends called for him, and that he's wasting his time because my energy drink is sugar-free anyway. I'm sure he just wants to be friends, but I'm cranky this morning & unfortunately he doesn't speak English & I don't speak 'Fly'.

Every 7 Seconds!!

Isaac Newton died a virgin (Look at him, no wonder, right??..lol). He's the father of modern mathematics & one of the brightest people that ever lived. I reckon he never had a sexual thought. If he thought about sex as much as men usually do, he wouldn't have given a fuck about numbers. Sex is the most distracting thing ever, if a guy got smashed by a car as was broken & dying at the side of the road & a cute chick came up to help he'd think 'Wow, she's smoking'. It overrides every thought we have. I could do a lot more with my life if i didn't think about sex, invent a time machine, a unified theory of physics, cure the common cold, understand women etc. Little head does the thinking!!..Here are some other people that died virgins: Fredric Chopin: Famous Classical Composer. Immanual Kant: Unpleasant German Philosopher. George Bernard Shaw: Not really, but shocked into abstinance when seduced by an older woman Adolf Hitler: (Supposedly) Recovered Germany from low self-esteem, did some bad stuff too. John Ruskin: Social Thinker & Art Critic, Shocked into virginity on his wedding night Jesus: Leader of Christianity, Sex was invented by his father. Anne Frank: (I'm really, really sorry!) On the other hand, Einstein, probably humanities' greatest mind was a magnet for women, despite his looks, apparently he fucked Marilyn Monroe!

Movie Review..Changeling

Ok, I haven't actually seen it, but my girlfriend watched it last night, and spent the whole night sobbing. She was still awake crying until 5:30am. So in conclusion, this movie was crap & I'm whacked today because of it!!...and what kind of Director lets Angelina Jolie wear clothes like this??..I'd be awake all night too, sexually cross-referencing Angelina Jolie with my Granny!!

They grow up so fast, don't they??

My 11 year old son does some online shopping occasionally, I have a paypal account set up for him. He's usually fairly trustworthy, he's recently bought a baseball bat, some videogame related stuff, but this morning he showed me the 'cool' T-shirt he bought last night!! He thinks it's hilarious!! I can imagine the faces of people in church next Sunday morning!!..Not really!!..I'd let him wear a t-shirt like this before I'd let him into a church!!

I do a lot of Stupid things!!

You know, you have toast for breakfast when you shoulda had yogurt, stay up until 4am when you got work in the morning, fall for the wrong woman etc...Anyway I found this cool website that now makes all my decisions for me www.hunch.com . It has a database of thousands of questions & based on answers you give, it tells you what to do. For example 'Are you a computer Geek??...(don't really need Hunch for this one) ..turns out I am!! Although I am 76% kissable, I lost out on the 24% 'cos I'm nervous before I kiss someone & I don't make enough eye contact..that figures!! I'm 58% socially awkward..Ok, gonna stop using this now, making me paranoid (82%)!!

Speed Dating.

Me and Shar are going speed dating next month. It's just a social experiment, not a means to get some stranger to come home with us & hold a camera or anything. €50 to the one of us that gets the most call backs. I'm feeling confident, but on the day I'm hoping I won't go banging on about South American history or my sexual inadequacy. I have all my lies ready..30, single, car owner, employed, generous, can maintain an erection, good listener. If i get rejected I hope I won't shout 'Screw you lady, see that hot chick in the black dress, that's my girlfriend'

She's outta your league fella!!!

Sad photo right?..We've all done it on some level though, liked somebody outta our league. Sense goes out the window when love is concerned. However, biologically it makes no sense to be attracted to people that aren't attracted to us, there wouldn't be 6,792,467,727 people on the planet if we all liked people that were out of our league. So if you discount the one's we all like, the Megan Fox's, the Brad Pitt's etc. then if you like someone for reasons other than beauty then there's a good chance they (might) like you too.

Killed Bill!!

David Carridine was found dead last week. He had a rope around his neck and another around his genitals.!! Another movie star wanks himself to death!!. But maybe not, his family & friends now claim he was murdered by chinese martial art gangs because he was about to have them all arrested or something. I know it must be hard to accept that a loved one died of wanking but really???..Chinese gangs??

Bookworm

I'm a bit of a bookworm. However I feel that literature adversely affect one's perception of life. What if you were to take someone from the rainforest who had never read a book, watched TV, or had a discussion with someone and asked them what they thought of religion, politics, sex, relationships, or anything else I reckon you'd get the most balanced view available. No matter how objective you think you are, you're influenced by some sort of media. Books are no better than the 'Jeremy Kyle Show' in that respect. I think it's time we learned to think for ourselves rather than recycle other's ideas, which are in turn ideas recycled from somebody else..See!!..This is me when I'm drunk!!..I used to be a fun drunk!! ...at least I can still spell!!...If I'd been drinking beer instead of wine, this would be a rant about how vaginas are better than breasts!! (they're way better)!!!

Wine....

I love wine, but I can't drink it. Well, I can physically drink it, I just pour it in my mouth & swallow. But I shouldn't, I get seriously weird drunk on it. I usually avoid it when I'm out unless I'm having a terribly boring night. We got a 'Mosby 2005 Marche Rosso' for tonight which comes highly recommended but is in fact crap, so Shar put some sparkling water in it and now it's delicious. We do terrible things to each other when we drink wine!!

Sunny Days...

So I get home from work yesterday, with great plans. My son is away with friends for the weekend and I have a cool day planned, me & Shar are gonna head off to the coast, have a picnic, get suntans & have sex in a field. But no!!..Britan's Got Talent final is on TV. Fuck!!..and Susan Boyle didn't even win. I didn't see it though, I was walking around the house in a huff..and cutting the grass!

Bebo Tips!!

1: Any woman over the age of 20 that refers to herself as 'Fluffy-Bunny-Pink-Princess-Kisses' has some serious Daddy issues
2: Celebrity look-alikes are flattering but false, nobody thinks you look like Angelina Jolie!!
3: Nobody cares what type of kisser, transformer, pasta, James Bond bad guy, piece of fruit you are!
4: Don't put 'lol' after a message where you've told a random woman she's hot. Picture it in real life: 'You're hot!!..Hahahaha!!..Doesn't work!!
5: No man cares how good your weekend was, he just wants to have sex with you!
6: Don't end messages to casual aquaintances with little 'x's, again picture it in real life...you'd get slapped!!
7: Using txtspk when you have a full keyboard and limitless space isn't cool. Type full words..better yourself!!

Return to Pub...

Yeah, good luck with that!!..You just know there are loads of hot girls that were gonna ask ya back to their place but read your t-shirt and decided not to. I prefer drinking to casual sex too!?!. Are these things funny or am I a serious snob? I reckon that if you get to the stage where you realise that women are never gonna have sex with ya, then you might as well wear something like this, so when you return home alone you can say to yourself, 'I could've scored if it wasn't for my t-shirt'..Me? my one says ' Not tonight Ladies..I'm too Nervous to Have Casual Sex'

2 Hot 2 Care...

Yes, you do care!!..otherwise you wouldn't wear that stupid t-shirt, would ya? It's a rare thing to see a woman wear one of these things that actually deserves to wear one. There's usually a large belly hanging out from under it, or worse still it's actually ironic. What's with women wanting to be bitchy these days anyway, if you're wearing one of these, you're not a bitch you're just advertising your vunerability . And unless you're that one from Transformers, your 'Best Brunette Ever' T-shirt is lying to you.

Hard Work Being a Woman...

I wonder how many women agonise over which lipstick to buy, only for it to be indistinguishable from the next, same applies to pan-stick, mascara, eye-liner, etc. Men don't notice stuff like that anyway, just fake a sexy walk, and stuff your bra and most men will be far more impressed. I, on the other hand wouldn't touch a woman that wore 'Cherry Desirable'..I mean come on, you look like a cheap hooker, 'Red Reinvented' make you look so classy though. Not really, I can't tell the difference either, better practice that sexy walk sweetheart!!

Recession Dating!!

I like dating, I'm happily settled now, so I don't do it that much. I came across some stuff on the net on low budget dating...good luck with getting a second date fella!!..I'm not making this up!!!

1: Volunteer yourselves as models for your local hairdressing school. (Yeah, women love amateurs messing with their hair)
2: Dress up & go out 'trick or treating' on halloween. (Unless she's seriously pretty & a size 8, that nurse outfit is gonna look fucking scary)
3: Take a sketchpad to a local beauty spot & draw your own versions. (Is it just me or would you end up drawing a stick figure with tits)
4: Spread a blanket on the floor and have a carpet picnic. (Maybe your house is cleaner than mine, but getting too close to my floors would transform any romantic notions into fantasies of breaking out the hoover)
5: Paint your own coffee mugs. (Oh, shoot me now)
6: Have a bubble bath with candles & champagne. (What works in the movies doesn't always translate into real life, most baths are too small to hold two fattys comfortably)
7: Give each other haircuts. (Have the sex before you try this, unless you're Peter Mark, it might be your last chance)
8: Go to the airport & watch the planes. (Yeah, that's all she needs, watching people jet off to the sun, while she's stuck in a very wet Cork city with you, with fuck all to do except cut each others hair)

Household Tips!!

We share the housework in this house, not really, I do all of it, so I'm always on the lookout for tips to make my life easier..Just not these ones!!!

1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow into the end of your ice-cream cone to stop it leaking out the end. (Seriously, just bite the end off and suck out the ice-cream like everyone else)
2: When a baking tray needs flouring, instead of using flour, use a little of your dry cake mix, that way you won't have a white mess on the outside of your cake. (You can buy cakes already made in Tescos)
3: Wrap celery in tin foil before you put it in the fridge, that way it will keep for weeks. (Let it keep forever, nobody likes celery anyway)
4: Freeze leftover wine for later use in casseroles & sauces. (Leftover wine???..Hello!!)
5: When removing stains from dark fabrics, it's better to apply a weak cleaning solution several times than a strong one once. (I keep an old (white) t-shirt for that)

Return to Mental Hospital...

We made another trip to the mental hospital today. I brought James with me this time, he was so brave considering how scary the place is. We made some videos too, kinda like the Blair Witch Project, but with Cork accents, which makes it more comical than frightening. We played some scary music on the Church organ which still works. More strangely, even though the place is a total shambles, all of the religious statues are completely pristine, which means someone comes in regularly to paint and clean them or there is indeed a God, most likely the first one!!
Videos Here and here
...and Yes, I realise there's a ghost in that first photo, I photoshopped that in to scare my boy!!

Computer Virus!!

I'm getting mighty tired of removing viruses from people's computers. So Norton be damned and listen to me!!!
1: If you get an E-mail 'Cheryl Cole Nude' and you open it, then you deserve to get a virus!!
2: 'Paris19Cutie' isn't gonna make your dream of a no strings attached internet sex meeting come true.
3: You aren't the 1,000,000 visitor to this site, don't click here to claim your prize!!
4: Nobody's gonna give you free Viagra (except maybe your girlfriend)
5: Don't press the 'Fart' button!!
6: If you're worried about the size of your penis, your Inbox isn't going to help( maybe it's the size of your girlfriend's 'Inbox' that's the problem!!)
7: Normal porn is usually freely & safely available on the net, if you're into Grannies, Trannys, or anything left of centre, then you're sick and you're gonna get burned, and if I end up fixing it..I'm telling your Mom!!

Mr. Potato Head, (Non-Disney Version)

My fault for letting him make his own dinner, later we pretended we were gangsters & were trying to extract information outta him so we used a cheese grater on him....He talked!

Spanish!!!

I'm supposed to be helping James with his Irish homework, but I can't speak any Irish, so I'm teaching him Spanish instead. So far......

Tonto de los cojones!!!....You Dumb Fuck!!
Dejar de reirse de mi....Stop laughing at me!!
Ir saltar del techo, tonto...Go Jump off the roof, you fool!!

And of Course 'Por que?'...Why?..You have to drop to your knees, hands to the sky & shout this for maximum effect!!

Music Makes me Happy...

I'm a miserable, depressing bastard. There's very little that puts me in a good mood. That's 'cos I got a serious guilt problem. So everything that should make me happy such as a women that's way outta my league, money, family, friends, my hi-tech house, bikes and stuff only work up until the point when I realise that I either don't deserve these things or some poor bastard needs them more than me. But it's different with music, almost everyone has access to music, right?...I like nothing more than to damage my hearing during a morning off.

Movie Review..Bloody Valentine

Good Movie!!..end of review!! Watching it was the usual Shar & Owen disaster!! I kept saying things like.'It's all a dream, they're all dead, that guy is really that other guy's father etc..and when the killer would appear, axe in hand, I'd shout ''That guy's the killer I betcha'' Sharon kept telling me to shut up, despite the fact that she didn't pause for breath while talking through the whole thing and then wigged out afterwards and we had to watch cartoons for an hour. When we went to bed I had the usual..''there's someone downstairs'', did you hear that?''. Next time we're gonna watch 'Terms of Endearment' or something & I'll just be cryin' all over the place.

Real Doll!!!

Jesus!!..That's so creepy!! These cost $7000. You can have them made anyway you want. I presume you don't get any response from them though, at the same time I guess they don't yell ''Don't you fucking dare stop''...''Stop & I'll kill you''..etc. I reckon they're fun until you finish and then you have to clean them out!!..But!!..they don't say 'No', finish & fall asleep before you, complain, or cheat. There's no way you could feel good about yourself if you owned one of these, but if you did own one....Would you give your friend a go on it?'