Sunny Days...

So I get home from work yesterday, with great plans. My son is away with friends for the weekend and I have a cool day planned, me & Shar are gonna head off to the coast, have a picnic, get suntans & have sex in a field. But no!!..Britan's Got Talent final is on TV. Fuck!!..and Susan Boyle didn't even win. I didn't see it though, I was walking around the house in a huff..and cutting the grass!

Bebo Tips!!

1: Any woman over the age of 20 that refers to herself as 'Fluffy-Bunny-Pink-Princess-Kisses' has some serious Daddy issues
2: Celebrity look-alikes are flattering but false, nobody thinks you look like Angelina Jolie!!
3: Nobody cares what type of kisser, transformer, pasta, James Bond bad guy, piece of fruit you are!
4: Don't put 'lol' after a message where you've told a random woman she's hot. Picture it in real life: 'You're hot!!..Hahahaha!!..Doesn't work!!
5: No man cares how good your weekend was, he just wants to have sex with you!
6: Don't end messages to casual aquaintances with little 'x's, again picture it in real life...you'd get slapped!!
7: Using txtspk when you have a full keyboard and limitless space isn't cool. Type full words..better yourself!!

Return to Pub...

Yeah, good luck with that!!..You just know there are loads of hot girls that were gonna ask ya back to their place but read your t-shirt and decided not to. I prefer drinking to casual sex too!?!. Are these things funny or am I a serious snob? I reckon that if you get to the stage where you realise that women are never gonna have sex with ya, then you might as well wear something like this, so when you return home alone you can say to yourself, 'I could've scored if it wasn't for my t-shirt'..Me? my one says ' Not tonight Ladies..I'm too Nervous to Have Casual Sex'

2 Hot 2 Care...

Yes, you do care!!..otherwise you wouldn't wear that stupid t-shirt, would ya? It's a rare thing to see a woman wear one of these things that actually deserves to wear one. There's usually a large belly hanging out from under it, or worse still it's actually ironic. What's with women wanting to be bitchy these days anyway, if you're wearing one of these, you're not a bitch you're just advertising your vunerability . And unless you're that one from Transformers, your 'Best Brunette Ever' T-shirt is lying to you.

Hard Work Being a Woman...

I wonder how many women agonise over which lipstick to buy, only for it to be indistinguishable from the next, same applies to pan-stick, mascara, eye-liner, etc. Men don't notice stuff like that anyway, just fake a sexy walk, and stuff your bra and most men will be far more impressed. I, on the other hand wouldn't touch a woman that wore 'Cherry Desirable'..I mean come on, you look like a cheap hooker, 'Red Reinvented' make you look so classy though. Not really, I can't tell the difference either, better practice that sexy walk sweetheart!!

Recession Dating!!

I like dating, I'm happily settled now, so I don't do it that much. I came across some stuff on the net on low budget dating...good luck with getting a second date fella!!..I'm not making this up!!!

1: Volunteer yourselves as models for your local hairdressing school. (Yeah, women love amateurs messing with their hair)
2: Dress up & go out 'trick or treating' on halloween. (Unless she's seriously pretty & a size 8, that nurse outfit is gonna look fucking scary)
3: Take a sketchpad to a local beauty spot & draw your own versions. (Is it just me or would you end up drawing a stick figure with tits)
4: Spread a blanket on the floor and have a carpet picnic. (Maybe your house is cleaner than mine, but getting too close to my floors would transform any romantic notions into fantasies of breaking out the hoover)
5: Paint your own coffee mugs. (Oh, shoot me now)
6: Have a bubble bath with candles & champagne. (What works in the movies doesn't always translate into real life, most baths are too small to hold two fattys comfortably)
7: Give each other haircuts. (Have the sex before you try this, unless you're Peter Mark, it might be your last chance)
8: Go to the airport & watch the planes. (Yeah, that's all she needs, watching people jet off to the sun, while she's stuck in a very wet Cork city with you, with fuck all to do except cut each others hair)

Household Tips!!

We share the housework in this house, not really, I do all of it, so I'm always on the lookout for tips to make my life easier..Just not these ones!!!

1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow into the end of your ice-cream cone to stop it leaking out the end. (Seriously, just bite the end off and suck out the ice-cream like everyone else)
2: When a baking tray needs flouring, instead of using flour, use a little of your dry cake mix, that way you won't have a white mess on the outside of your cake. (You can buy cakes already made in Tescos)
3: Wrap celery in tin foil before you put it in the fridge, that way it will keep for weeks. (Let it keep forever, nobody likes celery anyway)
4: Freeze leftover wine for later use in casseroles & sauces. (Leftover wine???..Hello!!)
5: When removing stains from dark fabrics, it's better to apply a weak cleaning solution several times than a strong one once. (I keep an old (white) t-shirt for that)

Return to Mental Hospital...

We made another trip to the mental hospital today. I brought James with me this time, he was so brave considering how scary the place is. We made some videos too, kinda like the Blair Witch Project, but with Cork accents, which makes it more comical than frightening. We played some scary music on the Church organ which still works. More strangely, even though the place is a total shambles, all of the religious statues are completely pristine, which means someone comes in regularly to paint and clean them or there is indeed a God, most likely the first one!!
Videos Here and here
...and Yes, I realise there's a ghost in that first photo, I photoshopped that in to scare my boy!!

Computer Virus!!

I'm getting mighty tired of removing viruses from people's computers. So Norton be damned and listen to me!!!
1: If you get an E-mail 'Cheryl Cole Nude' and you open it, then you deserve to get a virus!!
2: 'Paris19Cutie' isn't gonna make your dream of a no strings attached internet sex meeting come true.
3: You aren't the 1,000,000 visitor to this site, don't click here to claim your prize!!
4: Nobody's gonna give you free Viagra (except maybe your girlfriend)
5: Don't press the 'Fart' button!!
6: If you're worried about the size of your penis, your Inbox isn't going to help( maybe it's the size of your girlfriend's 'Inbox' that's the problem!!)
7: Normal porn is usually freely & safely available on the net, if you're into Grannies, Trannys, or anything left of centre, then you're sick and you're gonna get burned, and if I end up fixing it..I'm telling your Mom!!

Mr. Potato Head, (Non-Disney Version)

My fault for letting him make his own dinner, later we pretended we were gangsters & were trying to extract information outta him so we used a cheese grater on him....He talked!

Spanish!!!

I'm supposed to be helping James with his Irish homework, but I can't speak any Irish, so I'm teaching him Spanish instead. So far......

Tonto de los cojones!!!....You Dumb Fuck!!
Dejar de reirse de mi....Stop laughing at me!!
Ir saltar del techo, tonto...Go Jump off the roof, you fool!!

And of Course 'Por que?'...Why?..You have to drop to your knees, hands to the sky & shout this for maximum effect!!

Music Makes me Happy...

I'm a miserable, depressing bastard. There's very little that puts me in a good mood. That's 'cos I got a serious guilt problem. So everything that should make me happy such as a women that's way outta my league, money, family, friends, my hi-tech house, bikes and stuff only work up until the point when I realise that I either don't deserve these things or some poor bastard needs them more than me. But it's different with music, almost everyone has access to music, right?...I like nothing more than to damage my hearing during a morning off.