''And if a Double Decker Bus......

..crashes into us, to die by your side, what a heavenly way to die''..Surely the most romantic song ever written.

Facebook.....

A lot of these social networking sites are lost on me, but a lot of my friends use 'Facebook' so not wanting to be left out I use it too. The thing is it seems to be all about making you feel good about yourself. Every quiz gives you an answer you want, for example, my celebrity girlfriend is Megan Fox, I bet Jade Goody, or that fat one with the coke habit weren't in there. Everyday my horoscope tells me my luck is gonna change & I'm gonna find love (Oh God, please no!!). Just took the 'How will you be remembered' quiz....'People will remember you as a funny, happy go laucky type of person'..Not a typo, it actually said 'Laucky' (Facebook, making you feel good about your poor spelling since 2008).....and I'm a miserable bastard,..and I gave the worst answers possible.
Another thing, it's makes you so nosey, I have zero interest in people but find myself snooping peoples pages for hours, tyring to find out something scandalous, no luck so far, I know some fairly boring people. Just did another quiz, 'What does your name mean?'..and this is verbatim..'
''That's what i call a sexy name..When ppl hear ya name they get incredibly attracted by ya!you hat babe!!''...Who makes up this shit, if you can't spell then you aren't qualified to analyze people's personalities..and my name is 'Owen'....pretty sure there's nothing sexy about that.
..It's light-hearted stuff and I know I'm taking this way too seriously....but my point is that some people take this stuff to heart, if you want to know who you really are, don't listen to Facebook telling you that you're awesome, take a good look at yourself!!!

The Downside of Monogamy...

It's great to be in a relationship, I'd love to be on my own though. However there are many downsides apart from the obvious ones of hearing your friend's stories of amazing casual sex. For every romantic walk on the beach there's a hundred times you stand outside a woman's clothing shop changing room holding a handbag, hoping there's a Sunglasses stand to pretend you're looking at, and trying not to look like you're looking at women changing, underwear section, teenage girls etc..For every candlelit dinner you have there's all those times you have to buy Tampons for her, (knowing as you do there is also a very horrible reason for men to buy them, while hoping that the shop assistant doesn't, and instead thinks you're one of those progressive boyfriends). And for every amazing fuck you have, you'll have plenty of wanks rather than ask for it in fear of being turned down. For every time you see her in that little black dress, long beautiful legs beneath, breasts almost pressing out through it, there'll be far more times she's shuffling around the house in children's PJ's, your slippers, hair like that guy with the scissor hands, tissue in hand and snot running down her face.

Ok, that was solely from a man's point of view, so before my girlfriend reads this, here's my take from a woman's point of view:

For everytime she says you smell nice, far more often you smell like a dead animal wrapped in garlic
For every time you take her to sexual heaven, many more times you just wanna 'finish' on her tits in 3 minutes.
For every passionate kiss you give her, most times your beard tears the face off her.
For every romantic candlelit bath you have together, you end up 'highlighting' her hair 20 minutes after she's washed it.
For every time.....
Ok, I can't go on like this listing how horrible it is to be with me!!
..and sometimes I don't take my socks off during sex!!??....What's wrong with that? It's not like I asked her to bring one of her hot-ass friend along for a threesome, or I don't love her, maybe I want her so badly I couldn't be bothered to take them off, or maybe my feet are fucking freezing!!

Breaking up with friends.....

Breaking up with the person you're dating/screwing is pretty easy, you either just stop calling them, tell them it's over and barring some psycho, they'll take the hint. Friends however are different. Sometimes you just outgrow your friends, and forget why you ever befriended them in the first place and without sex to fill in the empty spaces, it effectivley over. But you see them anyway, you'd never (certainly shouldn't) do this with an Ex. You stop calling them, stop replying to E-mails, answering thier calls and now you're a shitty friend. You can't say 'I don't think we should see each other anymore' because you can't follow it up with 'I think we should just be friends'??!!??......So my advice is to bite the bullet and sleep with them. Then they are grouped into a different category and it's easier to say' We made a terrible mistake..SeeYa!!' If you're both of the same sex, then 'Trying it on' with them is probably just as effective.

All Good Things......

Would you start a loving relationship with someone if you knew it would end? I bet we all think that someday our stale relationship will get better, there's no rush, we have all our lives together, right? But if you absolutly knew it would end, then you'd make it good right now and make the most of every day you have left together. No more waiting to live your lives together, adore each other now while you still can. I think that's a good approach, we all think when we're in love it should last forever, doesn't always work out like that though, so why not embrace the fact that it'll be over some day.

Welcome to the world...Dweezil??!!??

Even though I have no plans to name our baby until I see it, people keep asking me and my girlfriend like to talk 'names' a lot. I think the honourable thing to do is to name a baby after someone, a loved family member, historical figure etc. So my son now wants to name him/her 'Hitler'....Nice!! It'd be nice if you could put off naming a baby for a few years, if they were very bright you could then safely name them 'Einstein', or a Lesbian..'Butch'. You take a chance giving your child a descriptive name in case it turns out to be ironic, 'Einstein' just wouldn't suit a grown up skinhead boxer. So, for the time being I'm going with:
'Hank Einstein Sean Mozart Scanlan' for a boy.
'Maria Calais Emily Megan Fox Scanlan' for a girl.

All bases covered there I think!

EDIT..We ended up calling  my daughter Grace, she was born too early and after a few days, being told her life might end we quickly picked a name (after a cheap women's face cream I saw in the bathroom, that morning)..Sorry Gracie, I wish I had better story about that...I love you!

My Cock Works!!!

We're having a baby!!.. We're having a lot of fun with it already, i keep shouting 'Why can't you be more like your big brother' at Shar's belly and she says stuff like 'The baby wants ice cream from that shop 2 miles away' in order to get me to do stuff I wouldn't do for her. When people ask if you want a boy or girl, people are inclined to say that they don't mind, I would prefer a girl, but I have a boy and i feel i've done a good job so far with him, so if we had a boy i'd know what i was doing. Everyone's very excited for us, it's been a long time coming. I'm a little worried, and here's why...Shar kept a diary of when we did it in order to predict when we concieved, and it looks like it was that time we had the most boring shag in the history of sex, and I'm convinced that because of that we'll have a boring, geek child. I can see myself coming home from work someday & Cecil standing there 'Hiiiiiii Daaaad', and I'll be like 'Fuck off child, where's James?'
Not really gonna name our child 'Cecil', gonna think long & hard before I inflict a name on my child!!

Women do it too......

Maybe i'm a little naive, but i didn't think so. I'm sure that they don't wank as often as men do. In order to show my girlfriend what a progressive boyfriend I am, I have in the past bought her sex-toys, foolishly thinking that she doesn't really need them (How great do I think I am?). We were rearranging our bedroom last year when it fell outta a drawer or something and i was gutted to see how battered it looked, it obviously hadn't been left in it's box (least not that one). She said she only used it when she couldn't wait for me to get home or I wouldn't put out, I must've been away a lot & not putting out nearly enough. Should've bought her that smaller one i was looking at, i'd be less jealous of it then that giant red thing!!

Wanker!!

Masturbation is the most widely used cure for boredom amoung males. For every woman masturbating right now there are 20 guys masturbating while thinking about that woman masturbate. I'd love to say i don't do it much, but i probably do. And it's mostly outta boredom, I'm alone in the house, nothing on TV, there's no better way to pass 5 minutes. No matter how great a guy's sex life is it's never gonna stop him from craking one out alone. My train of thought while wanking is very different then when I'm fucking my girlfriend, just wouldn't be polite to be thinking about those kinda things when my girlfriend's around. It's not just always boredom, sometimes i'm so horny i just can't wait until my girlfriend get's home, other times I just can't wake her up.