Before I Die....

..or as some call it a 'Bucket List'. Now I think there's no point in putting hugely unobtainable things on here like' Jump off the Pyramids' or something, so here's mine:

1: Crash my car, without injury.
2: Eat toast buttered on BOTH sides.
3: Faint..never done that, i've heard it's fun though.
4: Wake up of my own accord, no alarms, babies crying, girlfriend sitting on me, getting hit in the face with wet tissue paper.
5: Eat BurgerKing fries with KFC chicken, they're just so far apart geographically that either one would be cold.
6: Learn to play the violin, i tried once, almost lost my family.
7: Go fishing.
8: Laugh when someone falls over, i'm usually running over to help, but i do want to laugh.
9: Swim in a lake (yes, i've lived such an adventerous life that I'm running outta things)
10: Go back in time & get a reach-a-round from Elvis.

Hugs

I was told recently that I'm not the kind of person you'd hug. At first I thought it was maybe just that person that thought that so I asked everyone else I knew for about a week and the general consensus is that I'm not huggable. It was mostly women I asked so I began to worry that I was unattractive, and maybe that's part of it but funnily enough I hate being hugged, one person said she thought she'd get pushed away if she tried to hug me, and she well might. It's a mystery to me that people can tell that just by looking at you. There's only two people in my life that I hug on a regular basis, my Mum & my brother. ( not even my girlfriend??..we're kissers)

Feminist's Day Off..

Valentines's day is such a relationship killer, you go to all that trouble & expense and all she's thinking is that it's been ages since you bought her flowers, chocolates, went down etc..My point is that you should be romantic all the time, all today does is remind your partner how stale your relationship has become. So for all you singles out there here's a list of things you can do....

Girls:
1: Let a gay friend giggle & touch one boob, 'cos it's better than nothing
2: Make a voodoo doll in the shape of an ex.
3: Pretend to not know what day it is while still wearing that sexy red dress
4: Sob while looking at pictures of your ex with his new girl on facebook.
5: Forget about it & eat the box of chocolates that Mom sent.
6: Talk about how great it is to be single.
Boys:
1: Play video games
2: Masturbate
..that's it!!

Bitch,you love it!!!

Seriously we all do it, right?..But listen to yourself, how ridiclous do you sound? I found some with a quick internet search:

* Say my name when you do that! (I like that one, sometimes biologically impossible though)
* I love you so much. Can you feel it? (If she can't, you're in trouble with this one)

* You’re the best lover I have ever had. (This is a Lie, and you know it)
* Look, honey – handcuffs! What can we do with these? (Em..go out and arrest people?)
* You know what I want. Give it to me. (Chocolate!)
* I want it in my mouth. (Chocolate!)
* Make me scream like the naughty little slut I am. (You're a slut??? Oh my God, you said I was your first!)
* Tell me your most secret fantasy. (Almost certainly doesn't involve you, and you'd be horribly shocked I'll bet)
* What’s that thing you do with your hand? I adore that! (Wave goodbye)
* Give me that big, fat baby-maker. You know what I want! (hahahaha!!!)

Another site says 'Practice when you're alone, how awesome would that be if you got caught, she walks in and you saying 'I’m going to make you come until it hurts' !!!

Good Wife Guide..

This is an Excerpt from a widely circulated paper from the 1950's, Oh man, how times have changed...
* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
('There's some crisps in the cupboard baby')
* Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
(She's been resting for a lot longer than fifteen minutes, and she's still got 'Homer Simpson' slippers on her feet and a bath robe)
* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
(Not sure what this one means, but in my head it's coming home to a threesome with one of her hot friends)
* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
(Don't fall over the plates on the floor, honey!!!)
* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his personal comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
(Catering for my 'personal comfort' usually puts me in a deep sleep)
* Be happy to see him.
(I'll give her this one, I usually bring chocolate home)
* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
(She's usually sincere in her 'Desire to please' me, sometimes she just lies there)
* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not one of them. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
(I live in a house with two record-breaking talkers, I'd have to shout for those two to hear me)
* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
(Yeah right!!..a guy falls in the door at 5:30am, lipstick on collar, stinking of drink & cheap perfume, wife gets outta bed, makes him his dinner, put's on some make-up and finishes the job some cheap tramp couldn't do because she passed out drunk)
* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself body and spirit.
(Peace, order & tranquility?..Never heard of that)
* Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
(Yeah, 'cos a night out is way more stressful than work)
* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
(I'd be convinced I was gonna get murdered if she did this)
* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
(WTF!!...This isn't funny anymore. Yeah, men are always fair & truthful, have you ever met a man?, they're scumbags)
* A good wife always knows her place.
This isn't a joke, this was a real guide to being a good wife (the parts I wrote were a joke), how much respect could you have for a woman that treated you this way.

Another Year, Another....

..em???..that sounded like a good title, can't think of anything to finish it with. I've broken all my resolutions already, smoked, drank, ate chips, got depressed, made that stupid face when i play my guitar, so i've given up on all the one's i know i'll never keep & here is my more realistic list:

1: Learn to play another instrument, I got one of those flutes with the stick coming out of it, you just blow and pull the stick and it makes a 'woooooooop' sound ( I make that sound too when someone....)..easy, right!??
2: Eat more vitamins, fuck carrots, celery, cucumbers etc.. pills are so much easier to swallow than fruit and vegetables anyway
3: Grow a moustache, I hate shaving anyway, gonna grow one of those redneck ones, like I don't look like a dangerous skinhead already. Maybe one of those one's like Captain Price, if you don't know who he is you're obviously a girl.
4: Get my picture taken, if I died later today, my kids wouldn't remember what I looked like. I'm sure i'm not as bad looking as I think.
5: Less driving, more cycling. I hate driving & love cycling, although I do hate getting soaked and falling on the ice, (twice this week already, really getting to hate this country).
6: Write a book, i have this great idea for a book gonna call it 'The Da Vinci code book of vampire sodoku'..... gotta be a best seller.
7: Have a baby, that's my favourite one. I just can't wait.