My Boy James...

 

 

 

My James...

This is you you now, I remember when you were a kid, I was so worried how you'd turn out, as all parents do...I'm worried no more...I'd tell you you're awesome but you know that already...I hope I'll be able to say the same about Gracie someday

Pet Fly

This is Frank, he's our pet fly. He likes sugar and Rage against the Machine.

Grace & James

She takes so much strength from him. A fly in the house can ruin Gracie's day..but she can rely on me or James to kill that fly and show her it's dead body. Except for Frank...he's our pet fly, also an excuse for having a fly in house. Or anything else that might threaten her well being...we're there!

My Mom Died...

You know how everyone thinks their parents are the best?..well anyone who thought that changed their mind once they met mine. Well that's how seems anyway. My Mom truly didn't give a fuck, she told people what she thought of them and never suffered fools , even the rest of her family, and maybe she was right and maybe she was wrong. My Mom was engaged to someone that died suddenly and pushing 40 she decided she didn't want to be a spinster so she asked the shy guy next to her at the factory she worked at out (my Dad)..to be honest he married a wonderful woman that was way outta his league and it worked out alright, he was great to us all. I can't help but think she could've done better than him, someone passionate and full of fire like herself, however she got two boys that were full of passion and fire like herself and more so my brother than me, whom she clashed with frequently, to be honest she was horrible to him. We all think our parents are more than they are, but they're just people that we're less likely to see see faults in than other people. It shouldn't be that way though, we should judge everyone on how they treat us rather than how they are related to us. These days I'd love to think she was a cunt to us but I remember that time she stuck up for me, and I will never forget it. I will always love you for that, I miss you so much!..If I weren't your son we would've been great friends...I wish I were more like you..this ain't over!

That's enough and slowdown

How didn't I see this?

Grace & me

look how happy I look..I almost never look this happy

My Kids...

Yep...that's them

Full Moon

We're driving home from the park the other night, it's still bright but there's a beautiful full moon in the sky..Grace says 'Dad the moon is so beautiful, I think I'm gonna faint' ....Grace , you are everything I ever wanted..I fucking love you too.

My Son James...

My son James. That's him at the front and without the spliff or piercing( here's hoping), everyone loves him, no one more than me though. He's everything a human should be..'nuff said...He's not talking about me in that pic though!

My lovely daughter Grace was diagnosed with autism recently. I'm not sure how I didn't see this, it is different with girls, and more difficult to diagnose. At first I was devestated, but honestly I don't care..I am going to show her the greatest life a human can have..I promise you Grace..you're gonna have such an awesome life. Your passion gives me so much hope, and me and James promise you that you are gonna be one of us.

Grace's Faces

Oh man...she's so full of life. The up's go as far as the downs...I love that.

Genetics

We're all products of our parent's genes for better or worse, and here's my Grace. She's got her Mom's long legs, my blue eyes, well not 'mine', I need them. Apart from that though she's not like us at all. This is strange to me, my brother and I are very alike and obvious products of our parents. She's a little miracle, born four months early and came through it like this. I put this down to genetic diversity, everyone human is  at least 50th cousins with everyone else on the planet . Shar and I might only be 43rd or something. We're different heights, builds (very), eye colour, hair colour etc. The only point I'm trying to make here is that if you're a beautiful woman wanting to have kids you could do worse than a fat, ugly idiot like me. Chris de Burgh's daughter won Miss World or something.

It's a True Story!

Well, everything's a true story really. I could've put anything up there, providing it doesn't break the known laws of physics. In our visible universe the are 10^82 atoms (Yes I counted them!!) and as we live in an infinite universe, eventually the arrangement has to repeat itself and be arranged in an infinite numbers of ways. For example if you have four playing cards, you can arrange them in a few different ways before you have to repeat the patterns. In the case of our universe you would have to travel 10^10^28 meters (Rough guess) to meet another exact copy of you, further or nearer to meet Django. Somewhere far out there there an an infinite number of yous' each with a different life. Everything than might ever happen, has or will happen, even the story of Django and his German friend. Sounds crazy I know, but it's a true story, Everything is!

Tea time

It's considered important to teach your child to feed itself from an early age, well fuck that!!!...I'l l be shoving food into her mouth while she walks down the aisle, i just need to find a bib that goes with her wedding dress. It'd help if her awesome brother wasn't making her laugh so much though.

Grace Again....

Before I Die....

..or as some call it a 'Bucket List'. Now I think there's no point in putting hugely unobtainable things on here like' Jump off the Pyramids' or something, so here's mine:

1: Crash my car, without injury.
2: Eat toast buttered on BOTH sides.
3: Faint..never done that, i've heard it's fun though.
4: Wake up of my own accord, no alarms, babies crying, girlfriend sitting on me, getting hit in the face with wet tissue paper.
5: Eat BurgerKing fries with KFC chicken, they're just so far apart geographically that either one would be cold.
6: Learn to play the violin, i tried once, almost lost my family.
7: Go fishing.
8: Laugh when someone falls over, i'm usually running over to help, but i do want to laugh.
9: Swim in a lake (yes, i've lived such an adventerous life that I'm running outta things)
10: Go back in time & get a reach-a-round from Elvis.

Hugs

I was told recently that I'm not the kind of person you'd hug. At first I thought it was maybe just that person that thought that so I asked everyone else I knew for about a week and the general consensus is that I'm not huggable. It was mostly women I asked so I began to worry that I was unattractive, and maybe that's part of it but funnily enough I hate being hugged, one person said she thought she'd get pushed away if she tried to hug me, and she well might. It's a mystery to me that people can tell that just by looking at you. There's only two people in my life that I hug on a regular basis, my Mum & my brother. ( not even my girlfriend??..we're kissers)

Feminist's Day Off..

Valentines's day is such a relationship killer, you go to all that trouble & expense and all she's thinking is that it's been ages since you bought her flowers, chocolates, went down etc..My point is that you should be romantic all the time, all today does is remind your partner how stale your relationship has become. So for all you singles out there here's a list of things you can do....

Girls:
1: Let a gay friend giggle & touch one boob, 'cos it's better than nothing
2: Make a voodoo doll in the shape of an ex.
3: Pretend to not know what day it is while still wearing that sexy red dress
4: Sob while looking at pictures of your ex with his new girl on facebook.
5: Forget about it & eat the box of chocolates that Mom sent.
6: Talk about how great it is to be single.
Boys:
1: Play video games
2: Masturbate
..that's it!!

Bitch,you love it!!!

Seriously we all do it, right?..But listen to yourself, how ridiclous do you sound? I found some with a quick internet search:

* Say my name when you do that! (I like that one, sometimes biologically impossible though)
* I love you so much. Can you feel it? (If she can't, you're in trouble with this one)

* You’re the best lover I have ever had. (This is a Lie, and you know it)
* Look, honey – handcuffs! What can we do with these? (Em..go out and arrest people?)
* You know what I want. Give it to me. (Chocolate!)
* I want it in my mouth. (Chocolate!)
* Make me scream like the naughty little slut I am. (You're a slut??? Oh my God, you said I was your first!)
* Tell me your most secret fantasy. (Almost certainly doesn't involve you, and you'd be horribly shocked I'll bet)
* What’s that thing you do with your hand? I adore that! (Wave goodbye)
* Give me that big, fat baby-maker. You know what I want! (hahahaha!!!)

Another site says 'Practice when you're alone, how awesome would that be if you got caught, she walks in and you saying 'I’m going to make you come until it hurts' !!!

Good Wife Guide..

This is an Excerpt from a widely circulated paper from the 1950's, Oh man, how times have changed...
* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
('There's some crisps in the cupboard baby')
* Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
(She's been resting for a lot longer than fifteen minutes, and she's still got 'Homer Simpson' slippers on her feet and a bath robe)
* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
(Not sure what this one means, but in my head it's coming home to a threesome with one of her hot friends)
* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
(Don't fall over the plates on the floor, honey!!!)
* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his personal comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
(Catering for my 'personal comfort' usually puts me in a deep sleep)
* Be happy to see him.
(I'll give her this one, I usually bring chocolate home)
* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
(She's usually sincere in her 'Desire to please' me, sometimes she just lies there)
* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not one of them. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
(I live in a house with two record-breaking talkers, I'd have to shout for those two to hear me)
* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
(Yeah right!!..a guy falls in the door at 5:30am, lipstick on collar, stinking of drink & cheap perfume, wife gets outta bed, makes him his dinner, put's on some make-up and finishes the job some cheap tramp couldn't do because she passed out drunk)
* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself body and spirit.
(Peace, order & tranquility?..Never heard of that)
* Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
(Yeah, 'cos a night out is way more stressful than work)
* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
(I'd be convinced I was gonna get murdered if she did this)
* Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
(WTF!!...This isn't funny anymore. Yeah, men are always fair & truthful, have you ever met a man?, they're scumbags)
* A good wife always knows her place.
This isn't a joke, this was a real guide to being a good wife (the parts I wrote were a joke), how much respect could you have for a woman that treated you this way.

Another Year, Another....

..em???..that sounded like a good title, can't think of anything to finish it with. I've broken all my resolutions already, smoked, drank, ate chips, got depressed, made that stupid face when i play my guitar, so i've given up on all the one's i know i'll never keep & here is my more realistic list:

1: Learn to play another instrument, I got one of those flutes with the stick coming out of it, you just blow and pull the stick and it makes a 'woooooooop' sound ( I make that sound too when someone....)..easy, right!??
2: Eat more vitamins, fuck carrots, celery, cucumbers etc.. pills are so much easier to swallow than fruit and vegetables anyway
3: Grow a moustache, I hate shaving anyway, gonna grow one of those redneck ones, like I don't look like a dangerous skinhead already. Maybe one of those one's like Captain Price, if you don't know who he is you're obviously a girl.
4: Get my picture taken, if I died later today, my kids wouldn't remember what I looked like. I'm sure i'm not as bad looking as I think.
5: Less driving, more cycling. I hate driving & love cycling, although I do hate getting soaked and falling on the ice, (twice this week already, really getting to hate this country).
6: Write a book, i have this great idea for a book gonna call it 'The Da Vinci code book of vampire sodoku'..... gotta be a best seller.
7: Have a baby, that's my favourite one. I just can't wait.

Christmas...

I hate these Pagan holidays! It's not such a big deal this year anyways, my son doesn't
believe in Santa anymore, he's giving up believing in Jesus next year he tells me. Still gotta buy him loads of presents though. He used to ask how come a rich kid like him got so many presents and Santa gave so much less to others, at least he knows now. Surely it must be the most un-christian of holidays. Every Christmas eve I can remember, i get home after town closes, struggling with money & last minute gifts, sit on the couch & cry my eyes out. Relief or guilt, I'm not sure. Every parent that can't afford to get nice things for thier kids must fucking dread this fucking stupid holiday. We're taking it easy this year while we can, no Santa until our new baby arrives, I guess I'd be sad that that whole 'Santa' thing was over, but it's nice to have a break.

New Car...

Fuck it!!..I had to buy a new car the other day. I detest driving, so for me it was like buying very expensive condoms (I really hate them too). The timing belt broke in my other car, which wrecked the engine, which apparently is quite important for making the car go. It's a mystery to me that a broken belt can turn even a new car into a big useless piece of garden furniture. It's like breaking a finger nail & you die!!

Cosmo Sex Tips!!!

I have a lot of problems with magazines like Cosmopolitian, here's a fine example. It's full of impracticle sex tips, 'Wear a wet t-shirt to bed'...Huh??...But here are some far more horrifying ones:


#1..Bite the family jewels: Softly bite the skin of his scrotum.
When dealing with teeth & that part of the body, using the modifier 'Softly' doesn't do anything to make it better, it's like saying 'Softly jam a lighting cigarette into his eye'

#2..A little known erogenous zone: the area between a guys navel & his penis. Lick it, tickle it or tug on the hairs there.
That hair qualifies as pubes, so technically the tip is 'Yank on his pubes'


#3..It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive. We really need you to get rough with them, squeeze hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I gurantee if you asked him, he'd request more, more' -Steven, 23.

a).."It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care."

No, it doesn't. There is no part of our body we want you to be intentionally negligent with. Even if it's our shins we're talking about here, handle them with care. And when it comes to our genitals, multiply that by one thousand.

b)"Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive."

Ladies, go watch an old episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. See how the guy doubles over and nearly vomits when hit with a light, plastic football? Yes, our units are fucking that sensitive.

c)"We need you to get a little rough with them--squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow. You may think you're hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he'd request more, more."

That last bit is your best clue. "I guarantee if you asked..." No need to ask before you abuse his junk, ladies! Just assume he'll answer in the affirmative. His screaming means it's working!

Gotta worry about what 'Steven' does to women!!

#4..'Make two fists around my shaft & twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can'-Jamie, 30.
Jesus save us!! Isn't that a chinese burn?..It's hurts a hella of a lot on my arm, so it's bound to feel great on my cock, right?? Jamie, i swear if my girlfriend ever does that to me i'll come & find you!!

Lisbon....

Hardcore advertising this time, dead babies, nude people, minimum wage at €1:84 etc.. and the government telling us 'No' means 'Yes', don't try that with women fellas!!. I reckon if it was a 'No' vote this time, they'd be breaking out the Rohypnol. I have loads of opinions on this treaty that I now have no right to voice because I've forgotten to vote. What with work, getting my car fixed, going to an interview, shopping etc..it slipped my mind. I woulda voted 'Yes', for no other reason then I didn't get time to finish reading the 147 page treaty and thus asked my son to choose, which he based on the fact that 'Rock' beats 'Scissors'....and anyway where the hell did they get a picture of a man that looked like this in Ireland??

''And if a Double Decker Bus......

..crashes into us, to die by your side, what a heavenly way to die''..Surely the most romantic song ever written.

Facebook.....

A lot of these social networking sites are lost on me, but a lot of my friends use 'Facebook' so not wanting to be left out I use it too. The thing is it seems to be all about making you feel good about yourself. Every quiz gives you an answer you want, for example, my celebrity girlfriend is Megan Fox, I bet Jade Goody, or that fat one with the coke habit weren't in there. Everyday my horoscope tells me my luck is gonna change & I'm gonna find love (Oh God, please no!!). Just took the 'How will you be remembered' quiz....'People will remember you as a funny, happy go laucky type of person'..Not a typo, it actually said 'Laucky' (Facebook, making you feel good about your poor spelling since 2008).....and I'm a miserable bastard,..and I gave the worst answers possible.
Another thing, it's makes you so nosey, I have zero interest in people but find myself snooping peoples pages for hours, tyring to find out something scandalous, no luck so far, I know some fairly boring people. Just did another quiz, 'What does your name mean?'..and this is verbatim..'
''That's what i call a sexy name..When ppl hear ya name they get incredibly attracted by ya!you hat babe!!''...Who makes up this shit, if you can't spell then you aren't qualified to analyze people's personalities..and my name is 'Owen'....pretty sure there's nothing sexy about that.
..It's light-hearted stuff and I know I'm taking this way too seriously....but my point is that some people take this stuff to heart, if you want to know who you really are, don't listen to Facebook telling you that you're awesome, take a good look at yourself!!!

The Downside of Monogamy...

It's great to be in a relationship, I'd love to be on my own though. However there are many downsides apart from the obvious ones of hearing your friend's stories of amazing casual sex. For every romantic walk on the beach there's a hundred times you stand outside a woman's clothing shop changing room holding a handbag, hoping there's a Sunglasses stand to pretend you're looking at, and trying not to look like you're looking at women changing, underwear section, teenage girls etc..For every candlelit dinner you have there's all those times you have to buy Tampons for her, (knowing as you do there is also a very horrible reason for men to buy them, while hoping that the shop assistant doesn't, and instead thinks you're one of those progressive boyfriends). And for every amazing fuck you have, you'll have plenty of wanks rather than ask for it in fear of being turned down. For every time you see her in that little black dress, long beautiful legs beneath, breasts almost pressing out through it, there'll be far more times she's shuffling around the house in children's PJ's, your slippers, hair like that guy with the scissor hands, tissue in hand and snot running down her face.

Ok, that was solely from a man's point of view, so before my girlfriend reads this, here's my take from a woman's point of view:

For everytime she says you smell nice, far more often you smell like a dead animal wrapped in garlic
For every time you take her to sexual heaven, many more times you just wanna 'finish' on her tits in 3 minutes.
For every passionate kiss you give her, most times your beard tears the face off her.
For every romantic candlelit bath you have together, you end up 'highlighting' her hair 20 minutes after she's washed it.
For every time.....
Ok, I can't go on like this listing how horrible it is to be with me!!
..and sometimes I don't take my socks off during sex!!??....What's wrong with that? It's not like I asked her to bring one of her hot-ass friend along for a threesome, or I don't love her, maybe I want her so badly I couldn't be bothered to take them off, or maybe my feet are fucking freezing!!

Breaking up with friends.....

Breaking up with the person you're dating/screwing is pretty easy, you either just stop calling them, tell them it's over and barring some psycho, they'll take the hint. Friends however are different. Sometimes you just outgrow your friends, and forget why you ever befriended them in the first place and without sex to fill in the empty spaces, it effectivley over. But you see them anyway, you'd never (certainly shouldn't) do this with an Ex. You stop calling them, stop replying to E-mails, answering thier calls and now you're a shitty friend. You can't say 'I don't think we should see each other anymore' because you can't follow it up with 'I think we should just be friends'??!!??......So my advice is to bite the bullet and sleep with them. Then they are grouped into a different category and it's easier to say' We made a terrible mistake..SeeYa!!' If you're both of the same sex, then 'Trying it on' with them is probably just as effective.

All Good Things......

Would you start a loving relationship with someone if you knew it would end? I bet we all think that someday our stale relationship will get better, there's no rush, we have all our lives together, right? But if you absolutly knew it would end, then you'd make it good right now and make the most of every day you have left together. No more waiting to live your lives together, adore each other now while you still can. I think that's a good approach, we all think when we're in love it should last forever, doesn't always work out like that though, so why not embrace the fact that it'll be over some day.

Welcome to the world...Dweezil??!!??

Even though I have no plans to name our baby until I see it, people keep asking me and my girlfriend like to talk 'names' a lot. I think the honourable thing to do is to name a baby after someone, a loved family member, historical figure etc. So my son now wants to name him/her 'Hitler'....Nice!! It'd be nice if you could put off naming a baby for a few years, if they were very bright you could then safely name them 'Einstein', or a Lesbian..'Butch'. You take a chance giving your child a descriptive name in case it turns out to be ironic, 'Einstein' just wouldn't suit a grown up skinhead boxer. So, for the time being I'm going with:
'Hank Einstein Sean Mozart Scanlan' for a boy.
'Maria Calais Emily Megan Fox Scanlan' for a girl.

All bases covered there I think!

EDIT..We ended up calling  my daughter Grace, she was born too early and after a few days, being told her life might end we quickly picked a name (after a cheap women's face cream I saw in the bathroom, that morning)..Sorry Gracie, I wish I had better story about that...I love you!

My Cock Works!!!

We're having a baby!!.. We're having a lot of fun with it already, i keep shouting 'Why can't you be more like your big brother' at Shar's belly and she says stuff like 'The baby wants ice cream from that shop 2 miles away' in order to get me to do stuff I wouldn't do for her. When people ask if you want a boy or girl, people are inclined to say that they don't mind, I would prefer a girl, but I have a boy and i feel i've done a good job so far with him, so if we had a boy i'd know what i was doing. Everyone's very excited for us, it's been a long time coming. I'm a little worried, and here's why...Shar kept a diary of when we did it in order to predict when we concieved, and it looks like it was that time we had the most boring shag in the history of sex, and I'm convinced that because of that we'll have a boring, geek child. I can see myself coming home from work someday & Cecil standing there 'Hiiiiiii Daaaad', and I'll be like 'Fuck off child, where's James?'
Not really gonna name our child 'Cecil', gonna think long & hard before I inflict a name on my child!!

Women do it too......

Maybe i'm a little naive, but i didn't think so. I'm sure that they don't wank as often as men do. In order to show my girlfriend what a progressive boyfriend I am, I have in the past bought her sex-toys, foolishly thinking that she doesn't really need them (How great do I think I am?). We were rearranging our bedroom last year when it fell outta a drawer or something and i was gutted to see how battered it looked, it obviously hadn't been left in it's box (least not that one). She said she only used it when she couldn't wait for me to get home or I wouldn't put out, I must've been away a lot & not putting out nearly enough. Should've bought her that smaller one i was looking at, i'd be less jealous of it then that giant red thing!!